Sunday, June 17, 2012

Please let me Crap

Working in crap Bag wasn’t that stress-free as I have quoted earlier. Things these days are making circumstances stiffer and challenging. Bangalore at this time is suffering with enormous water scarcity. Companies are trying hard to deal with the conditions but it’s not that easy. When shortage kicked in, crap bag started with petty actions like removal of an extra coffee machine that used to give out hot water or discontinuation of laundry facilities. Well that was just a start and it does not look like that this is going get resolved anytime soon. Looking at the rain situation this year in Bangalore; one can only picture the worse. Well if you give it a thought, what could go bad beyond this ? No water to drink, employees will be asked to bring water from home, you will be seen with a look of disgust if you are getting 2 water bottles. Water will be sold in different cafeterias at an amount higher than your meal. Gravies and rice will become the meal of riches. Raw Fruits and vegetables salads will be the new common man meal. Anything can happen but what if circumstances go beyond this. What if employees are no longer permitted to use toilets ?? What could be the scene ? How people will talk ?

Imagine one fine day an employee would receive a broadcast email concerning massive water unavailability,

All employees are duly notified that from today we have mounted swiping machines to the restroom doors. You may have to swipe your card to gain access. The drive behind this is to discipline the water usage. Please read the following course of actions carefully,

1. An Employee can gain free entry only 4 times in a day to the restroom for face wash and number 1.

2. Inside restroom, admission to lavatory is limited to only once a day, we have installed swipe machines on toilet gates too. Don’t worry, If you swipe your card for lavatory then your swipe for restroom is not counted.

3. If one wishes to use restroom/lavatory more than permissible limit; can do so but following charges are applicable towards extra usage,

a. Extra use of Restroom – 10/- per visit + 10% VAT

b. Extra use of Lavatory – 20/- per visit + 10% VAT

4. The accumulated amount for an extra washroom usage incurred on an employee will be directly deducted from the salary at the end of the month.

Regards,

Facilities Admin

disgust

Can you imagine what kind of state this may form ? People would stop drinking too much water, stop eating heavy meals. Everyone will start living in deep fear; what if I need to go to the loo after my 4th visit ? People might protect the last visit for the last hour, just in case !! And what would the new meaning of friendship be ?

“Yaar give me your swipe card, I need to go the loo”

“Why don’t you swipe your own card ?”

“Dude I have already swiped my card five times today and you very well know how much my toilet deductions were last month, My wife still mistreats me by saying ‘You go to office to shit around ?’and ‘Shall we buy water this month if you don’t crap out whole your salary ?’. Half of my dejected-arrrlast month salary went down into the gutter, I mean literally. I am fed up of this yaar, I need to quit this company. My friend is in Joke Factory and minimum visits allowed there in restroom are 5 and on that if you use less on a day; you can carry forward the remaining visits to the next day, it’s like a dream workplace. Currently my friend has a surplus of 25 visits on his name, he says that he don’t fear drinking more water or eating spicy food anymore, he is in great terms with his manager because he offers his swipe card to his manager whenever its required, he also told me that this goodwill has in fact earned him an onsite to UK, just unbelievable that your crap can get you an Onsite !!! Just yesterday I heard that outside gate 6 a vendor is about to open a public washroom which will be way economical than additional money we pay here, I am so much looking forward to it. I am telling you that it’s going to be a huge achievement, opening day itself I am going to go unload myself even if I have to wait in a queue for an hour, it’s an idea of the decade. Why not we get rid of this stupid job and also start something like this ?”

“Here, Take my swipe card and for god’s sake please get the hell out of here”

A typical conversation between an employee and a manager,

“Why do you want to quit, we are getting your H1B processed next month !!”

“I don’t care about your visa or onsite, what I want is some more peaceful time”

“I don’t get it, what do you mean by peaceful time”

“I want more visits allowed inside the washroom, at least 8 in restroom and 2 inside lavatory”

“Are you crazy !! Do you know what you are asking for ? Look I can get your visa initiated but please don’t ask me about this washroom business, I cannot help you. Do you know how many approvals you require and more than approvals you need to justify why you need extra visits ? Don’t you get how strict policies are w.r.t the restroom norms ? Just yesterday your colleague Poonam Pandey came to me with the same request, I cannot do something which is way beyond my payroll. I myself has applied to my superiors for the same request but they ask me to drink and eat less and I am going to suggest you the same”

“Then I might quit”

“Are you threatening me ? If you are then let me give you a reality check, Company pay you to do crap work and in return company is taking that money back if you crap outside your limits, think about it”

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The day is not far when companies would include income from Toilet deductions as there chief source of revenue generation. I mean don’t you think that these things are possible ? And when we talk about Indian IT companies, I think anything is possible. Let me know what you think more can happen Hot smile

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