Please let me Crap

Working in crap Bag wasn’t that stress-free as I have quoted earlier. Things these days are making circumstances stiffer and challenging. Bangalore at this time is suffering with enormous water scarcity. Companies are trying hard to deal with the conditions but it’s not that easy. When shortage kicked in, crap bag started with petty actions like removal of an extra coffee machine that used to give out hot water or discontinuation of laundry facilities. Well that was just a start and it does not look like that this is going get resolved anytime soon. Looking at the rain situation this year in Bangalore; one can only picture the worse. Well if you give it a thought, what could go bad beyond this ? No water to drink, employees will be asked to bring water from home, you will be seen with a look of disgust if you are getting 2 water bottles. Water will be sold in different cafeterias at an amount higher than your meal. Gravies and rice will become the meal of riches. Raw Fruits and vegetables salads will be the new common man meal. Anything can happen but what if circumstances go beyond this. What if employees are no longer permitted to use toilets ?? What could be the scene ? How people will talk ?

Imagine one fine day an employee would receive a broadcast email concerning massive water unavailability,

All employees are duly notified that from today we have mounted swiping machines to the restroom doors. You may have to swipe your card to gain access. The drive behind this is to discipline the water usage. Please read the following course of actions carefully,

1. An Employee can gain free entry only 4 times in a day to the restroom for face wash and number 1.

2. Inside restroom, admission to lavatory is limited to only once a day, we have installed swipe machines on toilet gates too. Don’t worry, If you swipe your card for lavatory then your swipe for restroom is not counted.

3. If one wishes to use restroom/lavatory more than permissible limit; can do so but following charges are applicable towards extra usage,

a. Extra use of Restroom – 10/- per visit + 10% VAT

b. Extra use of Lavatory – 20/- per visit + 10% VAT

4. The accumulated amount for an extra washroom usage incurred on an employee will be directly deducted from the salary at the end of the month.

Regards,

Facilities Admin

Can you imagine what kind of state this may form ? People would stop drinking too much water, stop eating heavy meals. Everyone will start living in deep fear; what if I need to go to the loo after my 4^th visit ? People might protect the last visit for the last hour, just in case !! And what would the new meaning of friendship be ?

“Yaar give me your swipe card, I need to go the loo”

“Why don’t you swipe your own card ?”

“Dude I have already swiped my card five times today and you very well know how much my toilet deductions were last month, My wife still mistreats me by saying ‘You go to office to shit around ?’and ‘Shall we buy water this month if you don’t crap out whole your salary ?’. Half of my last month salary went down into the gutter, I mean literally. I am fed up of this yaar, I need to quit this company. My friend is in Joke Factory and minimum visits allowed there in restroom are 5 and on that if you use less on a day; you can carry forward the remaining visits to the next day, it’s like a dream workplace. Currently my friend has a surplus of 25 visits on his name, he says that he don’t fear drinking more water or eating spicy food anymore, he is in great terms with his manager because he offers his swipe card to his manager whenever its required, he also told me that this goodwill has in fact earned him an onsite to UK, just unbelievable that your crap can get you an Onsite !!! Just yesterday I heard that outside gate 6 a vendor is about to open a public washroom which will be way economical than additional money we pay here, I am so much looking forward to it. I am telling you that it’s going to be a huge achievement, opening day itself I am going to go unload myself even if I have to wait in a queue for an hour, it’s an idea of the decade. Why not we get rid of this stupid job and also start something like this ?”

“Here, Take my swipe card and for god’s sake please get the hell out of here”

A typical conversation between an employee and a manager,

“Why do you want to quit, we are getting your H1B processed next month !!”

“I don’t care about your visa or onsite, what I want is some more peaceful time”

“I don’t get it, what do you mean by peaceful time”

“I want more visits allowed inside the washroom, at least 8 in restroom and 2 inside lavatory”

“Are you crazy !! Do you know what you are asking for ? Look I can get your visa initiated but please don’t ask me about this washroom business, I cannot help you. Do you know how many approvals you require and more than approvals you need to justify why you need extra visits ? Don’t you get how strict policies are w.r.t the restroom norms ? Just yesterday your colleague Poonam Pandey came to me with the same request, I cannot do something which is way beyond my payroll. I myself has applied to my superiors for the same request but they ask me to drink and eat less and I am going to suggest you the same”

“Then I might quit”

“Are you threatening me ? If you are then let me give you a reality check, Company pay you to do crap work and in return company is taking that money back if you crap outside your limits, think about it”

The day is not far when companies would include income from Toilet deductions as there chief source of revenue generation. I mean don’t you think that these things are possible ? And when we talk about Indian IT companies, I think anything is possible. Let me know what you think more can happen

Please let me Crap

Working in crap Bag wasn’t that stress-free as I have quoted earlier. Things these days are making circumstances stiffer and challenging. Bangalore at this time is suffering with enormous water scarcity. Companies are trying hard to deal with the conditions but it’s not that easy. When shortage kicked in, crap bag started with petty actions like removal of an extra coffee machine that used to give out hot water or discontinuation of laundry facilities. Well that was just a start and it does not look like that this is going get resolved anytime soon. Looking at the rain situation this year in Bangalore; one can only picture the worse. Well if you give it a thought, what could go bad beyond this ? No water to drink, employees will be asked to bring water from home, you will be seen with a look of disgust if you are getting 2 water bottles. Water will be sold in different cafeterias at an amount higher than your meal. Gravies and rice will become the meal of riches. Raw Fruits and vegetables salads will be the new common man meal. Anything can happen but what if circumstances go beyond this. What if employees are no longer permitted to use toilets ?? What could be the scene ? How people will talk ?

Imagine one fine day an employee would receive a broadcast email concerning massive water unavailability,

All employees are duly notified that from today we have mounted swiping machines to the restroom doors. You may have to swipe your card to gain access. The drive behind this is to discipline the water usage. Please read the following course of actions carefully,

1. An Employee can gain free entry only 4 times in a day to the restroom for face wash and number 1.

2. Inside restroom, admission to lavatory is limited to only once a day, we have installed swipe machines on toilet gates too. Don’t worry, If you swipe your card for lavatory then your swipe for restroom is not counted.

3. If one wishes to use restroom/lavatory more than permissible limit; can do so but following charges are applicable towards extra usage,

a. Extra use of Restroom – 10/- per visit + 10% VAT

b. Extra use of Lavatory – 20/- per visit + 10% VAT

4. The accumulated amount for an extra washroom usage incurred on an employee will be directly deducted from the salary at the end of the month.

Regards,

Facilities Admin

Can you imagine what kind of state this may form ? People would stop drinking too much water, stop eating heavy meals. Everyone will start living in deep fear; what if I need to go to the loo after my 4^th visit ? People might protect the last visit for the last hour, just in case !! And what would the new meaning of friendship be ?

“Yaar give me your swipe card, I need to go the loo”

“Why don’t you swipe your own card ?”

“Dude I have already swiped my card five times today and you very well know how much my toilet deductions were last month, My wife still mistreats me by saying ‘You go to office to shit around ?’and ‘Shall we buy water this month if you don’t crap out whole your salary ?’. Half of my last month salary went down into the gutter, I mean literally. I am fed up of this yaar, I need to quit this company. My friend is in Joke Factory and minimum visits allowed there in restroom are 5 and on that if you use less on a day; you can carry forward the remaining visits to the next day, it’s like a dream workplace. Currently my friend has a surplus of 25 visits on his name, he says that he don’t fear drinking more water or eating spicy food anymore, he is in great terms with his manager because he offers his swipe card to his manager whenever its required, he also told me that this goodwill has in fact earned him an onsite to UK, just unbelievable that your crap can get you an Onsite !!! Just yesterday I heard that outside gate 6 a vendor is about to open a public washroom which will be way economical than additional money we pay here, I am so much looking forward to it. I am telling you that it’s going to be a huge achievement, opening day itself I am going to go unload myself even if I have to wait in a queue for an hour, it’s an idea of the decade. Why not we get rid of this stupid job and also start something like this ?”

“Here, Take my swipe card and for god’s sake please get the hell out of here”

A typical conversation between an employee and a manager,

“Why do you want to quit, we are getting your H1B processed next month !!”

“I don’t care about your visa or onsite, what I want is some more peaceful time”

“I don’t get it, what do you mean by peaceful time”

“I want more visits allowed inside the washroom, at least 8 in restroom and 2 inside lavatory”

“Are you crazy !! Do you know what you are asking for ? Look I can get your visa initiated but please don’t ask me about this washroom business, I cannot help you. Do you know how many approvals you require and more than approvals you need to justify why you need extra visits ? Don’t you get how strict policies are w.r.t the restroom norms ? Just yesterday your colleague Poonam Pandey came to me with the same request, I cannot do something which is way beyond my payroll. I myself has applied to my superiors for the same request but they ask me to drink and eat less and I am going to suggest you the same”

“Then I might quit”

“Are you threatening me ? If you are then let me give you a reality check, Company pay you to do crap work and in return company is taking that money back if you crap outside your limits, think about it”

The day is not far when companies would include income from Toilet deductions as there chief source of revenue generation. I mean don’t you think that these things are possible ? And when we talk about Indian IT companies, I think anything is possible. Let me know what you think more can happen

Back to School

 

    As I was growing mature I always heard people say that their earlier years was excellent When I was in job people said that college was best and they would like to revisit those days. When I was in College people said that school was much better and they would like to return to the school. But whenever I heard them I had a strange emotion because whenever and wherever I was, I got pleasure from it and never had any grudges to revisit my past. The explanation could be that from starting I never got any civilized institution. I was always put into an institution where either the owner was an acquaintance of my father or principle was my father’s buddy. I in point of fact was a subject of numerous experiments for all these schools of magical studies.

    I have studied in a school where only 4 members were there in the class but if you think that’s less then I must also reveal that I was also in a school where I was the tallest guy and there were just 50 kids in the entire school, in this very school we were 2 in the class, 6^th grade, Ankit Agrawal and Ankita Agrawal !!!. The school which was opened in a house, my father’s acquaintance to world has always given me some out of the ordinary moments in my life.

You must be wondering why am I telling you all this, I am telling you all this because my most awful nightmare has come true, I am back in school !!! And this time without any assistance from my father

Yes, I am in school, I never thought that after leaving Joke factory my life will take a U-turn and will show me the most bizarre and awful days of my life. I left Joke factory and joined Crap Bag, If its tough to memorize the name then just think of a bag full of crap. They focus in all type of crap, you name it and they can produce any kind of crap for you. Crap Bag is nothing but a improved version of Joke Factory, this is what I thought until now but is that right !! I don’t think so.

# The only thing which is common among the two jobs was that they both permitted me to loosen up as soon as I came in. Joke Factory made me sit exclusive of work for 3.5 months and Crap Bag just sought to better that, so they made me sit with no work from Day 1 till today which is roughly 4 months now !!!

# When I was in Joke factory for 5 years, factory was never even bothered what time I come in and what time go back but with crap bag I have just found a prison in my new job. Crap bag wants me to come every day morning at 8 and wants me to sit at leisure till 5 even if I don’t have any work. If I protest; I am spanked !!! In 4 months I have found myself changing, I have changed to a piece of shit now !!

# The greatest thing with Joke factory was that it allowed me to do anything and dress in anything to work because it believed in just joking at the end of the day. Joke Factory just believed in result of my work and nothing else but with Crap Bag I have learnt few original additional things, if you have to spread crap then you should do it with sophistication and with obedience. Now I come to spread crap dressed as a clown and if I object; Crap bag has prearranged professionals to kick my ass.

# Joke Factory believed in Worker’s fitness and constructive frame of mind and for this same motive they by no means restricted anyone to take a break for eating or playing at any point of time but how Crap Bag can can stay behind without being crappy here !!! At Crap Bag you are permissible to do ANYTHING including EATING only after business hours !!! The day is not far when a policy would say that you can take the piss only after 5 pm !!!

# Joke Factory was never short of its jokes, I still remember when I was saying my goodbyes; my boss told me; you are making a huge mistake, hang around with us and we will give you 2% hike, next thing I remembered was, I was rolling on the floor, I nearly laughed to death. Crap Bag also tries to contest the analogous position as of Joke factory, evidently because they are top Rivals but Crap bag constantly end up being crappier rather than funnier. There was this episode of late,

# I was asked to work on a location at far far away kingdom which I turned down, they said OK.

# I was asked to work on the same location at far far away kingdom again the next day and I turned it down again, they said OK.

# I was asked to work on the same location at far far away kingdom yet again the 3rd consecutive day and I turned it down yet again, they said OK.

This went on for quite a while until I stopped receiving their calls !!! I guess Crap Bag hires people from Vodafone and Reliance too and ask them to what they are good at

I think I have seen the world from a new perspective. If now I am given all amenities and free will; I may not be able to handle it. These companies have tested my endurance till its threshold and have helped me become a better and stronger asshole. They created me and they only will have to swallow crap back from me, “Are you game for it ?”.

9h15mers

 

9 hours 15 minute. 9 hours 15 minute is what your goal is, not for the job not for the money but for your own endurance. You must have made intense efforts for this accomplishment; you went to Gym, you stayed back for dinner, you played games or you just sat in front of the software and played the game “Who will blink first” with wallpaper.

You did all this so that you could pull 9h15m off but you could not. You were constantly crushed by 9h15m specialists, “The 9h15mers”.

# You tried taking official transportation, it did not help out because 9h15mers arrived before you !!

# You tried un-official transport but that did not help either because again 9h15mers made it before you !!

# At last you decided to hammer them at least once for a single day. You got up before time; you took your personal automobile and reached 30 min prior to the official agency timings but wait !! first you have to park your vehicle at a certified premise. It took 10 min to locate a respectable parking spot; from there you marched till your building which took another 10 min. You are still in high spirits that you still would reach before them. But the moment you enter the building 9h15mers are waiting for you with a smirk because they fucking decided to come early today!!

You never thought that these 5 letters “9h15m” will revolutionize your existence forever and will become an essential part of your life. The first thing you verify everyday is what is the average now, is it 9h15m yet ?? And every single time you fall short; you fail to complete the single most imperative duty assigned to you. People do not want you to complete your work, no !! They want you to accomplish the ultimate goal in life, whether you work or not; it does not matter. May be you are a no. 1 developer or maybe you are a tester who finds 100 bugs in one day but ask yourself …… is it any good if you fail in 9h15m mission ?? I guess all of you have the matching answers, I am usually not wrong in observations but If I am then please DO LET ME know.

People who are at big position today, people whom you have to tag along, people who make a decision if you are good or bad at your work; What made them ?? Do you think it was their labor which took them to a step forward on the success ladder ? Think again. Those people who are so called fortune makers for us were like us; but not entirely. Let me enlighten you with a short story,
Chaitra (Name changed) had a very regular and cheerful life and why not because she had home and work balance; she balanced work and her husband balanced the home. She was the perfect subordinate for her boss; If her boss said do that job now, she said “yes boss”; If her boss showed her an elephant and stated “That’s a dog”, she said “To me it looks like a rabbit !!”. Every day she religiously accomplished 9h15m (or her office equivalent) or even more if boss requested. Sooner it was time for appraisal and Boss had to promote only 1 out of 3 choices he had,

1. Naresh (Name changed) – A developer, he worked his ass off and developed most of functionalities in the software with top quality but failed to pull off 9h15m because he had life outside office too and used to get out of the office whenever he was through with his job.

2. Ankit (Name Changed) – A tester, he found bugs even in the high quality code from Naresh; bugs which were significant to the product but he failed to register 9h15m by far because he also had life outside office. Also, he never took any shit from the boss; If his boss showed him an elephant and said “That’s a dog”, he said “You blind son of a bitch, go get yourself a pair of new eyes !!”.

3. Chaitra – You all know her story.

I think I don’t need to give explanation about who got the advancement. So these days Chaitra is a boss; Naresh and Ankit are working as before on the same designation; A new lad Param (Name changed) is all set to get promoted because he sees Chaitra’s rabbit as a mouse. I think the logic behind this is similar as was in Mahabharata where Boss (Guru Dronacharya) hung a wooden bird from the branch of a tree and then summoned his subordinates (students). He asked the Naresh (1st Student) to aim for the bird's eye but not to shoot. He then asked him what he could see. Naresh replied that he could see the garden, the tree, flowers, etc. Boss repeated the same process with Ankit but wasn’t very impressed because he could even see boss’s shit face on the mirror wall beyond the plastic tree (Is Naresh doing Marijuana ? How the hell did he see the garden and the flowers). When it was Chaitra’s (Arjun) turn, she told his Guru that the only thing she could see was the bird's eye. This pleased the Guru and the asshole promoted her.

The point I want to make here is that good work does not pay because nice guys always finish last. 9h15m is the key to every lock, 9h15m is that magical alphanumeric amalgamation of letters that can present you all kind of delight you are looking for. So go and make another effort to reach it, fight with that each entity who thought that you are no good for this and show that every person who told you that you can’t do it, it’s not your cup of tea. When you will be in some other corporation tomorrow and you will recollect your past; you will never stop thinking about these 9h15m because you made a super extra effort to accomplish that. Because if today you attain 9h15m then not even god can steal these 9h15m from you (Unless you swiped on a broken machine which does not update the swipe !!). Last sentence, courtesy Shahrukh khan, film Chak De.

Work Culture Spoilers

      I was going through an editorial, apparently written by Mr. N. R. Narayana Murthy, co-founder of Infosys. He mentioned that a gigantic figure of software professionals are working for late hours these days which he termed as “Sitting late” and not “working late”. That’s in fact true. It’s a very familiar picture we see every single day where people sit beyond day's end. And when I looked closely I could filter each person out in following 3-4 categories.

I don’t have anything to do at home – I have mentioned this breed of  community before in one of my earlier blog Boost is the secret of my  energy, they exist to work and sleep. The intention behind this is still blurred to me because for them place of work starts at 11 pm (Instead of customary 8:30 am for everyone else) and to complete 8-9 hrs they hang around way beyond working hours. They are apple of manager’s eye for the sole reason that they are good in showing that they work a lot.  They have no hobbies, no interests. They generally slumber out the entire weekend. These are the same people belong to the group who say “Life is SO unexciting”.

I should be working always – This is one more variety of software engineers, Chicken hearted soldiers, as far as in my thoughts.

# They are frightened of Company’s business policies, they think each company policy is intended to throw them out,

# They are SHIT scared of their managers,

# They are terrified of their coworkers,

# They are petrified of every potential object around them.

According to them the solitary way to survive is to carry on working. It does not matter if it’s late or its weekend. Managers like this category of resources because they work a lot and managers need not give them back anything because they do not ask or demand for it. They are scared to demand for award or reward against the work they have given to the organization and yet are rated “Average Performer” ALWAYS. They are the No. 1 reason behind company’s revenue. Wake up guys, everyone in this industry molests you and yet you give them chance to molest you again and again.

Work for Pleasure – This is not a very familiar race of people but not uncommon also. They always do more then what is assigned to them just because they like working. It does not matter what rating they get, small salaries does not bother them and it does not matter if they will be given an opportunity to take a trip onsite or not. They just like to work work work. Day, night, Saturday and Sunday everything is same for them.

Now the point what I want to make here is if you unite these 3 categories, it will give you around 60-70% of the total software engineers but what about rest 30%. I belong to that 30%,

1. I don’t work/Sit outside organization defined working hours if not necessary because I have hobbies and interests which I have to follow every single day.
2. I say no to work on weekends because I work for money, the money for which I need time to spend. I get only weekends to spend and take pleasure in that money. If I start working on weekends then when will I enjoy and where will I spend??
3. I sketch my effort in such a way that I conclude everything by company set “end of day” which is highly UNACCEPTABLE to my supervisors, Reason ? No idea.
4. I do not take surplus work un-necessarily just because everyone else in my team belongs to one of those 3 categories.

I am not and I was never in my managers good books just because of those 3 categories. In past 5 years I have seen managers and companies like people who work beyond working hours even if there is no work and just because of this the fraction of those 3 categories is mounting radically. My new manager asked me once why people do not stay back in this project. What sort of issue is that?? When everyone finishes everything by 6 then why do you desire them to stay back??

I suppose I will not transform because I am proud the way I work.

I work to live and not live to work