Please let me Crap

Working in crap Bag wasn’t that stress-free as I have quoted earlier. Things these days are making circumstances stiffer and challenging. Bangalore at this time is suffering with enormous water scarcity. Companies are trying hard to deal with the conditions but it’s not that easy. When shortage kicked in, crap bag started with petty actions like removal of an extra coffee machine that used to give out hot water or discontinuation of laundry facilities. Well that was just a start and it does not look like that this is going get resolved anytime soon. Looking at the rain situation this year in Bangalore; one can only picture the worse. Well if you give it a thought, what could go bad beyond this ? No water to drink, employees will be asked to bring water from home, you will be seen with a look of disgust if you are getting 2 water bottles. Water will be sold in different cafeterias at an amount higher than your meal. Gravies and rice will become the meal of riches. Raw Fruits and vegetables salads will be the new common man meal. Anything can happen but what if circumstances go beyond this. What if employees are no longer permitted to use toilets ?? What could be the scene ? How people will talk ?

Imagine one fine day an employee would receive a broadcast email concerning massive water unavailability,

All employees are duly notified that from today we have mounted swiping machines to the restroom doors. You may have to swipe your card to gain access. The drive behind this is to discipline the water usage. Please read the following course of actions carefully,

1. An Employee can gain free entry only 4 times in a day to the restroom for face wash and number 1.

2. Inside restroom, admission to lavatory is limited to only once a day, we have installed swipe machines on toilet gates too. Don’t worry, If you swipe your card for lavatory then your swipe for restroom is not counted.

3. If one wishes to use restroom/lavatory more than permissible limit; can do so but following charges are applicable towards extra usage,

a. Extra use of Restroom – 10/- per visit + 10% VAT

b. Extra use of Lavatory – 20/- per visit + 10% VAT

4. The accumulated amount for an extra washroom usage incurred on an employee will be directly deducted from the salary at the end of the month.

Regards,

Facilities Admin

Can you imagine what kind of state this may form ? People would stop drinking too much water, stop eating heavy meals. Everyone will start living in deep fear; what if I need to go to the loo after my 4^th visit ? People might protect the last visit for the last hour, just in case !! And what would the new meaning of friendship be ?

“Yaar give me your swipe card, I need to go the loo”

“Why don’t you swipe your own card ?”

“Dude I have already swiped my card five times today and you very well know how much my toilet deductions were last month, My wife still mistreats me by saying ‘You go to office to shit around ?’and ‘Shall we buy water this month if you don’t crap out whole your salary ?’. Half of my last month salary went down into the gutter, I mean literally. I am fed up of this yaar, I need to quit this company. My friend is in Joke Factory and minimum visits allowed there in restroom are 5 and on that if you use less on a day; you can carry forward the remaining visits to the next day, it’s like a dream workplace. Currently my friend has a surplus of 25 visits on his name, he says that he don’t fear drinking more water or eating spicy food anymore, he is in great terms with his manager because he offers his swipe card to his manager whenever its required, he also told me that this goodwill has in fact earned him an onsite to UK, just unbelievable that your crap can get you an Onsite !!! Just yesterday I heard that outside gate 6 a vendor is about to open a public washroom which will be way economical than additional money we pay here, I am so much looking forward to it. I am telling you that it’s going to be a huge achievement, opening day itself I am going to go unload myself even if I have to wait in a queue for an hour, it’s an idea of the decade. Why not we get rid of this stupid job and also start something like this ?”

“Here, Take my swipe card and for god’s sake please get the hell out of here”

A typical conversation between an employee and a manager,

“Why do you want to quit, we are getting your H1B processed next month !!”

“I don’t care about your visa or onsite, what I want is some more peaceful time”

“I don’t get it, what do you mean by peaceful time”

“I want more visits allowed inside the washroom, at least 8 in restroom and 2 inside lavatory”

“Are you crazy !! Do you know what you are asking for ? Look I can get your visa initiated but please don’t ask me about this washroom business, I cannot help you. Do you know how many approvals you require and more than approvals you need to justify why you need extra visits ? Don’t you get how strict policies are w.r.t the restroom norms ? Just yesterday your colleague Poonam Pandey came to me with the same request, I cannot do something which is way beyond my payroll. I myself has applied to my superiors for the same request but they ask me to drink and eat less and I am going to suggest you the same”

“Then I might quit”

“Are you threatening me ? If you are then let me give you a reality check, Company pay you to do crap work and in return company is taking that money back if you crap outside your limits, think about it”

The day is not far when companies would include income from Toilet deductions as there chief source of revenue generation. I mean don’t you think that these things are possible ? And when we talk about Indian IT companies, I think anything is possible. Let me know what you think more can happen

Please let me Crap

Working in crap Bag wasn’t that stress-free as I have quoted earlier. Things these days are making circumstances stiffer and challenging. Bangalore at this time is suffering with enormous water scarcity. Companies are trying hard to deal with the conditions but it’s not that easy. When shortage kicked in, crap bag started with petty actions like removal of an extra coffee machine that used to give out hot water or discontinuation of laundry facilities. Well that was just a start and it does not look like that this is going get resolved anytime soon. Looking at the rain situation this year in Bangalore; one can only picture the worse. Well if you give it a thought, what could go bad beyond this ? No water to drink, employees will be asked to bring water from home, you will be seen with a look of disgust if you are getting 2 water bottles. Water will be sold in different cafeterias at an amount higher than your meal. Gravies and rice will become the meal of riches. Raw Fruits and vegetables salads will be the new common man meal. Anything can happen but what if circumstances go beyond this. What if employees are no longer permitted to use toilets ?? What could be the scene ? How people will talk ?

Imagine one fine day an employee would receive a broadcast email concerning massive water unavailability,

All employees are duly notified that from today we have mounted swiping machines to the restroom doors. You may have to swipe your card to gain access. The drive behind this is to discipline the water usage. Please read the following course of actions carefully,

1. An Employee can gain free entry only 4 times in a day to the restroom for face wash and number 1.

2. Inside restroom, admission to lavatory is limited to only once a day, we have installed swipe machines on toilet gates too. Don’t worry, If you swipe your card for lavatory then your swipe for restroom is not counted.

3. If one wishes to use restroom/lavatory more than permissible limit; can do so but following charges are applicable towards extra usage,

a. Extra use of Restroom – 10/- per visit + 10% VAT

b. Extra use of Lavatory – 20/- per visit + 10% VAT

4. The accumulated amount for an extra washroom usage incurred on an employee will be directly deducted from the salary at the end of the month.

Regards,

Facilities Admin

Can you imagine what kind of state this may form ? People would stop drinking too much water, stop eating heavy meals. Everyone will start living in deep fear; what if I need to go to the loo after my 4^th visit ? People might protect the last visit for the last hour, just in case !! And what would the new meaning of friendship be ?

“Yaar give me your swipe card, I need to go the loo”

“Why don’t you swipe your own card ?”

“Dude I have already swiped my card five times today and you very well know how much my toilet deductions were last month, My wife still mistreats me by saying ‘You go to office to shit around ?’and ‘Shall we buy water this month if you don’t crap out whole your salary ?’. Half of my last month salary went down into the gutter, I mean literally. I am fed up of this yaar, I need to quit this company. My friend is in Joke Factory and minimum visits allowed there in restroom are 5 and on that if you use less on a day; you can carry forward the remaining visits to the next day, it’s like a dream workplace. Currently my friend has a surplus of 25 visits on his name, he says that he don’t fear drinking more water or eating spicy food anymore, he is in great terms with his manager because he offers his swipe card to his manager whenever its required, he also told me that this goodwill has in fact earned him an onsite to UK, just unbelievable that your crap can get you an Onsite !!! Just yesterday I heard that outside gate 6 a vendor is about to open a public washroom which will be way economical than additional money we pay here, I am so much looking forward to it. I am telling you that it’s going to be a huge achievement, opening day itself I am going to go unload myself even if I have to wait in a queue for an hour, it’s an idea of the decade. Why not we get rid of this stupid job and also start something like this ?”

“Here, Take my swipe card and for god’s sake please get the hell out of here”

A typical conversation between an employee and a manager,

“Why do you want to quit, we are getting your H1B processed next month !!”

“I don’t care about your visa or onsite, what I want is some more peaceful time”

“I don’t get it, what do you mean by peaceful time”

“I want more visits allowed inside the washroom, at least 8 in restroom and 2 inside lavatory”

“Are you crazy !! Do you know what you are asking for ? Look I can get your visa initiated but please don’t ask me about this washroom business, I cannot help you. Do you know how many approvals you require and more than approvals you need to justify why you need extra visits ? Don’t you get how strict policies are w.r.t the restroom norms ? Just yesterday your colleague Poonam Pandey came to me with the same request, I cannot do something which is way beyond my payroll. I myself has applied to my superiors for the same request but they ask me to drink and eat less and I am going to suggest you the same”

“Then I might quit”

“Are you threatening me ? If you are then let me give you a reality check, Company pay you to do crap work and in return company is taking that money back if you crap outside your limits, think about it”

The day is not far when companies would include income from Toilet deductions as there chief source of revenue generation. I mean don’t you think that these things are possible ? And when we talk about Indian IT companies, I think anything is possible. Let me know what you think more can happen

9h15mers

 

9 hours 15 minute. 9 hours 15 minute is what your goal is, not for the job not for the money but for your own endurance. You must have made intense efforts for this accomplishment; you went to Gym, you stayed back for dinner, you played games or you just sat in front of the software and played the game “Who will blink first” with wallpaper.

You did all this so that you could pull 9h15m off but you could not. You were constantly crushed by 9h15m specialists, “The 9h15mers”.

# You tried taking official transportation, it did not help out because 9h15mers arrived before you !!

# You tried un-official transport but that did not help either because again 9h15mers made it before you !!

# At last you decided to hammer them at least once for a single day. You got up before time; you took your personal automobile and reached 30 min prior to the official agency timings but wait !! first you have to park your vehicle at a certified premise. It took 10 min to locate a respectable parking spot; from there you marched till your building which took another 10 min. You are still in high spirits that you still would reach before them. But the moment you enter the building 9h15mers are waiting for you with a smirk because they fucking decided to come early today!!

You never thought that these 5 letters “9h15m” will revolutionize your existence forever and will become an essential part of your life. The first thing you verify everyday is what is the average now, is it 9h15m yet ?? And every single time you fall short; you fail to complete the single most imperative duty assigned to you. People do not want you to complete your work, no !! They want you to accomplish the ultimate goal in life, whether you work or not; it does not matter. May be you are a no. 1 developer or maybe you are a tester who finds 100 bugs in one day but ask yourself …… is it any good if you fail in 9h15m mission ?? I guess all of you have the matching answers, I am usually not wrong in observations but If I am then please DO LET ME know.

People who are at big position today, people whom you have to tag along, people who make a decision if you are good or bad at your work; What made them ?? Do you think it was their labor which took them to a step forward on the success ladder ? Think again. Those people who are so called fortune makers for us were like us; but not entirely. Let me enlighten you with a short story,
Chaitra (Name changed) had a very regular and cheerful life and why not because she had home and work balance; she balanced work and her husband balanced the home. She was the perfect subordinate for her boss; If her boss said do that job now, she said “yes boss”; If her boss showed her an elephant and stated “That’s a dog”, she said “To me it looks like a rabbit !!”. Every day she religiously accomplished 9h15m (or her office equivalent) or even more if boss requested. Sooner it was time for appraisal and Boss had to promote only 1 out of 3 choices he had,

1. Naresh (Name changed) – A developer, he worked his ass off and developed most of functionalities in the software with top quality but failed to pull off 9h15m because he had life outside office too and used to get out of the office whenever he was through with his job.

2. Ankit (Name Changed) – A tester, he found bugs even in the high quality code from Naresh; bugs which were significant to the product but he failed to register 9h15m by far because he also had life outside office. Also, he never took any shit from the boss; If his boss showed him an elephant and said “That’s a dog”, he said “You blind son of a bitch, go get yourself a pair of new eyes !!”.

3. Chaitra – You all know her story.

I think I don’t need to give explanation about who got the advancement. So these days Chaitra is a boss; Naresh and Ankit are working as before on the same designation; A new lad Param (Name changed) is all set to get promoted because he sees Chaitra’s rabbit as a mouse. I think the logic behind this is similar as was in Mahabharata where Boss (Guru Dronacharya) hung a wooden bird from the branch of a tree and then summoned his subordinates (students). He asked the Naresh (1st Student) to aim for the bird's eye but not to shoot. He then asked him what he could see. Naresh replied that he could see the garden, the tree, flowers, etc. Boss repeated the same process with Ankit but wasn’t very impressed because he could even see boss’s shit face on the mirror wall beyond the plastic tree (Is Naresh doing Marijuana ? How the hell did he see the garden and the flowers). When it was Chaitra’s (Arjun) turn, she told his Guru that the only thing she could see was the bird's eye. This pleased the Guru and the asshole promoted her.

The point I want to make here is that good work does not pay because nice guys always finish last. 9h15m is the key to every lock, 9h15m is that magical alphanumeric amalgamation of letters that can present you all kind of delight you are looking for. So go and make another effort to reach it, fight with that each entity who thought that you are no good for this and show that every person who told you that you can’t do it, it’s not your cup of tea. When you will be in some other corporation tomorrow and you will recollect your past; you will never stop thinking about these 9h15m because you made a super extra effort to accomplish that. Because if today you attain 9h15m then not even god can steal these 9h15m from you (Unless you swiped on a broken machine which does not update the swipe !!). Last sentence, courtesy Shahrukh khan, film Chak De.

Most terrible days of my Life

I know many people would wonder that he is in a foreign country, place of all dreams you would have ever dreamed of, yes it is and it has been a great place since my previous 2 visits but this time it was poles apart :-(

# Cleopatra - It is a Boat where I am working currently, I am not a direct crew member of this boat but I have been sent here to assist and to have enhanced communication between my original crew and the crew on Cleopatra. Troop at Cleopatra is known as "Cleopatra (Sea)"

# Joke Factory - Joke factory is a shipping company who provide "any type" services to different boats or ships around the world and "Cleopatra" is one of them. I work for Joke Factory. I am a member of the team "Cleopatra (Shore)", team that assists "Cleopatra (Sea)"

People who are liable for ruining my life within these 106 days,

In a precedence order,

1st being who pissed me off the Most,

1. Rambo - He is the main commander of the boat and he is the MOST retarded person you could ever bump into, he is not dreadful but he wants everything to be faultless till the last detail and for that he will observe your work so much that you will ultimately loose your senses. Sometimes he himself does not know what he wants, he could be a faultless asshole, He thinks he knows it all and he also thinks that Joke factory is filled with a bunch of jokers, he likes to have last word in every conversation, he basically is a old pathetic bastard.

2. Chota Rambo - He is the bitch of Rambo, they even share the like names, what Rambo says bitch repeats it, over the past few years he has actually learnt how Rambo laughs, speak and what different phrases Rambo speaks, Chota Rambo has mastered everything and now he is a carbon copy of original Rambo, Whenever Rambo is on leave I never miss him because duplicate is always there.

Rambo pays Joke factory a great deal for each facility provided to “Cleopatra” by Joke Factory

3. Little Johnny - Little Johnny is person in charge of the crew "Cleopatra (Shore)", his troop assists and facilitate Rambo's group for different things, since Joke factory gets lots of capital from Cleopatra, Little Johnny has also sold his soul and respect and have also become Rambo's bitch, whatever Rambo says will be done, it does not matter what the job is, if Rambo even asks him to say that an Elephant is a Rabbit, Little Johnny would say its not even a rabbit its a mouse, An incredible Asshole

4. Big Johnny - Big Johnny is Little Johnny’s boss and you can say that he is the boss because little Johnny is also a bitch to big Johnny and does whatever big Johnny says or permits him to do. Big Johnny is also Rambo's bitch but he is bitch to many more such Rambos, he handles more then 10 different boats and makes sure that all those 10 "Shore" Teams work like slaves, I once remember that Rambo requested for a map of India and this asshole charged him for that too!!!

5. Rocket - She is a part of the "Cleopatra (Shore)" at Joke Factory, Her work is essentially to discover faults in everybody’s effort, she thinks she is the best and has some astonishing skills which no one has, I am part of the "Cleopatra (Shore)" team from 2 yrs but she has spend only 1 yr but Fortunately for her, I don't know what little and big Johnny saw in her, they made her my superior so now she tries to boss around on each crew member of "Cleopatra (Shore)" and especially me.

6. Rockstar - A very food friend of mine, we like each other’s company a lot but she is my most evil critic, she always console me when I am down or sad or frustrated but if I talk or share my issues with respect to my job, Rambo or Johnny brothers to her then she does not agree with me even if I am correct.

Various incidents that made me SICK

1. Rambo always expected that I will fix his new auto pilot engine for his boat but I am a navigation expert!! How on the earth could have I done it, little and Big Johnny did not do anything to lend a hand, they just said its my responsibility to do whatever Rambo says!! Little Johnny even recommended once that take a regular engine and name it as autopilot and tell Rambo that Job is completed because anyways Rambo does not know what Autopilot looks like!! I know that you are an absolute idiot little Johnny but Rambo is not.

2. Little Johnny was always behind my ass because I was not able to patch the auto pilot up, I told him that I am a routing expert, use me in navigation but no Little Johnny and Big Johnny decided that I will do auto pilot and a member from my gang "Cleopatra (Shore)" who is an auto pilot professional will do routing!!! Nice judgment ... WOW .... Johnny brothers a Couple of retards.

3. When Little Johnny was on leave, Rocket assumed that she now has to handle this team, so she started passing on everything to me!!! Little Johnny and Big Johnny were sitting and watching emails and were not bothered what’s happening.

4. That’s still ok but if I am miserable because of this and if I talk to Rockstar and discuss these things with her, she says "You are not doing your job appropriately", she says I must do Navigation + auto pilot and should keep working for double hours, it does not matter if working double hrs will decipher the trouble or not but since I m not working double hours people are not pleased with me!!!

5. Finally I fixed the autopilot, then

# Rambo says "You are a navigation expert so why its not auto piloting navigation also!!"

# Chota Rambo says "You are a navigation expert so why its not auto piloting navigation also!!"

# Little Johnny says "You are a navigation expert so why its not auto piloting navigation also!!"

# Big Johnny says "You are a navigation expert so why its not auto piloting navigation also!!"

# Rocket says "You are a navigation expert so why its not auto piloting navigation also!!"

# Rockstar says "If you had worked for double hours you could have made everyone happy even if it was not auto piloting navigation!!"

6. Today perhaps is the worst day of my life. I fought with Rockstar today and I think that I am good for nothing; whatever I do I am not able to keep these 6 people happy.... I have no idea how to come out of this pressure as well as make everyone alright at the same time.

If my wife had not been there with me then I might have had lost my mind by now.

7. I have no place to go, If I m at the boat then Rambo, Chota Rambo and Johnny brothers are always trying to bolt my ass. After work I cannot discuss it with Rockstar also because then you know what will happen. So mainly I had nothing to bust my stress out these 106 days, it was only in sleep where I was not getting blamed; sometimes people came there too to haunt me.

Thanks to my Wife who stood by me and gave me strength to fight it out daily, but i guess all assholes overpowered that too. I had a nervous breakdown, I did not know what to do in life so I decided to write this and after writing it I feel slight comforted. Over the period of years I have realized that if I m hassled and disgusted then writing down a give back answer to the person who is responsible for it, it helps a lot.

Sorry for writing this in a very swanky coding language, I do not want actual people involved in it to get reason to hold me accountable again for no reason.

Please don't ask me who is who, I suppose you can effortlessly guess :-)

Also please tell me what do you do when you are stressed out.